If You Kiss Me Like That Read online

  “I’ve always had more than you,” Ash said.

  “I got myself a woman and spawned two kids,” Adrian said. “What more can a man achieve these days?”

  “I tried to make him pee sitting down,” Lizzie said. “But it didn’t work. He’s got that Cooper stubbornness in him.”

  “You have to leave a man some dignity,” Gloria said.

  “Christ, almighty,” Karen said. “And the first course hasn’t even come out yet.”

  They all chuckled heartily.

  “Why did you never get married, Karen?” Ash asked.

  “Why would I?” Karen said.

  “No man or woman has ever tempted you?”

  “I’ve always been perfectly happy by myself,” Karen said matter-of-factly, and Gloria admired her for doing so.

  “I loved my husband dearly,” Gloria said. “But I’ve been single for a very long time now, and it does have its advantages.” Not that Gloria wouldn’t trade everything she had for one more day with George. But she had her children. Once she’d emerged from beneath the rubble of her grief, she’d found she still had a life left. A job she loved. Life-long friends. The persistent kindness of her family and people she had shut out for months and months.

  “Like what?” Lizzie asked.

  “Why are you so keen to find out?” Adrian threw an arm around his wife.

  “Just curious, sweetie.” She blew him a kiss.

  God, how they reminded Gloria of her and George when they’d been in their thirties, free of disease and worries.

  “Now that my girls have flown the nest, I can do whatever I want. I don’t have to consider anyone’s opinion on how I choose to spend my time.”

  “If you have children, you’ll never be truly free,” Ash said flatly.

  “That might be true, but I will always have them, so…” Gloria’s mind drifted to Sally, her oldest daughter, who was in her last year of university in York. Would she move back home after she graduated? Gloria had no idea. Her youngest daughter, Janey, had just started university and Gloria wondered what she would be up to tonight. Some nights, she preferred not to wonder about these things at all.

  “I will always have an ex-wife,” Ash said. “No matter what happens next in my life, Charlotte will always be a woman I once married. A person I stood next to in front of all my family and friends and vowed to be with for the rest of my life.” She shook her head more vigorously this time. “I’m never doing that again. Not ever. The utter foolishness of the whole thing.” She looked at the table where her parents and aunts and uncles were sitting. “Can you believe that they’re all still in their marriages? As are all our cousins? What is it with this family?”

  “Dumb luck,” Karen said.

  “It’s not really something to bemoan, though,” Gloria said. “I think it’s wonderful.”

  “Try being the only divorced one of the lot,” Ash said. “First, I made them all come to my big, fancy lesbian wedding. Then, it turned out to be all for nothing. We didn’t even make it to five bloody years.”

  “Have you eaten at all today, Ash?” Adrian asked.

  “I had a bag of crisps on the train,” Ash said.

  “That’s it?” Lizzie sounded appalled.

  “Why would you not eat?” Gloria couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

  As if on cue, their starters arrived.

  “I’m about to tuck in.” Ash picked up her cutlery. “And before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, it’s called intermittent fasting. It’s not an eating disorder.” She held a forkful of smoked salmon in front of her mouth. “Yes, I should have eaten more today because I knew I would be drinking, but time just got away from me. If I had taken the time to buy more food before I got on the train, I would have missed it.” She put the salmon in her mouth and started chewing.

  Gloria hadn’t seen Ash in years, but she had known both her and Adrian for a long time. Ash had been like this as a girl as well. Feisty and stubborn to a fault.

  “Intermittent fasting.” Karen said the words as if they were the dirtiest she’d ever spoken. “Whatever will they invent next to torture women with?” She looked at Ash, but Ash didn’t reply. She kept on shovelling salmon into her mouth. Gloria was sure she would be doing the same if she hadn’t eaten all day.

  “Ash has been doing it for years. Since long before it became trendy,” Adrian said, earning himself a shut-up look from his sister.

  “As much as I’d love to regale you all with the benefits of fasting, I’m too busy breaking my fast right now,” Ash said. Her plate was nearly empty, while Gloria had yet to start.

  “I don’t drink alcohol,” Gloria said, “and Ash doesn’t eat food before a certain time of day. I’m sure we each have our own habits.” She glanced sideways at Ash, while finally scooping some food onto her fork.

  “Don’t get me started on Adrian’s quirks.” Ash grinned. “We’ll be here all night. Oh wait, we are going to be here all night.” She turned her head and shot Gloria a wink, which Gloria hadn’t expected at all.

  “The salmon’s good,” Lizzie said, probably to keep Ash from spilling the beans on Adrian.

  Gloria nodded, even though she’d barely tasted it. Ash’s wink was just that. An acknowledgement of what Gloria had said just before, which, in a way, could be interpreted as coming to Ash’s defence. It was nothing. Just a wink. Still, for a reason she couldn’t explain, it felt like something to Gloria.

  Chapter Three

  “Sorry about earlier.” Ash pushed her chair back and leaned a little closer to Gloria. “Being hangry makes me feel very sorry for myself.” She threw in her widest smile.

  “Understandably.” Gloria smiled back.

  “My belly’s full.” Ash patted her stomach. “I can handle anything now. Even this lot…” She made a sweeping gesture with her arm. She’d have to do the rounds of her family soon, have a chat with every aunt or uncle she only saw once or twice a year. Give them all the same rundown of her life. Work’s busy. No, I’m not seeing anyone new. Yes, yes, yes, I’m doing just fine. She’d stay in her chair a bit longer.

  “Look at Mary,” Gloria said. “She’s positively beaming tonight.”

  Ash cast her glance to her mother. Gloria was right. Her mother had a huge smile plastered across her face. “She’s officially a lady of leisure now. Wouldn’t you be beaming if you were?”

  “I’d be climbing up the walls if I didn’t have a job,” Gloria said. “Wouldn’t have the foggiest what to do with myself all day.”

  “Mum will just get on Dad’s nerves, I presume.” Ash turned her chair so she could see more of Gloria’s face. “How long before your retirement party?”

  “Oh, decades.” Gloria slung an arm over the back of her chair and fixed her gaze on Ash.

  “It was my very convoluted but discreet attempt at trying to find out your age,” Ash said. “But yeah, sure, decades. I can see that. You don’t look a day over forty.” Ash held Gloria’s gaze.

  “Nor do you, Ashley.” Gloria narrowed her eyes a fraction.

  “I just turned forty-two, so thank you kindly.”

  “Oh, gosh. No way, Ash.” Gloria held up a hand at chest height. “Do you remember I babysat you and Adrian when you were this high?”

  “I have zero recollection of that, to be honest.”

  “Hm.” Gloria crossed one leg over the other. “Must be all the fasting. Are you sure it’s good for your memory?”

  Ash enjoyed the mischievous expression on Gloria’s face. “I bet Adrian gave you hell.”

  Gloria shook her head. “No, Ade has always been well behaved. You on the other hand. The tantrums. Goodness me.”

  “Now you’re pulling my leg. My dad keeps telling me what a good child I was.”

  “Maybe Alan’s a bit biased.”

  Ash sniggered. “I think you’re making the whole thing up. You never babysat us at all. I think it’s your memory that’s been affected and you’re confusing us with some other children.”
>
  “Ask your mum,” was all Gloria said.

  “I will.” Ash truly couldn’t remember any of it. They’d had so many babysitters when they were children, they all blurred into one authority figure, whom, Ash could admit, she probably would have had a problem with. “Excellent deflection technique, by the way. I still don’t know how old you are, but I might be able to figure it out.” Ash racked her brain. She seemed to remember that Gloria was at least ten years younger than her mother, possibly more—or was it less?

  “I’m fifty-four,” Gloria said. “It’s really not a secret at all. In fact, I have no idea why women feel compelled to be so coy about their age. I love getting older.”

  “No midlife crisis for you, eh.” Ash stuck out her bottom lip and nodded approvingly.

  “I am on hormone replacement therapy. Maybe that helps.” Gloria patted her upper arm. “A fresh patch every few weeks keeps me going.”

  Ash admired how easily—and lightly—Gloria spoke of her menopause. She remembered the drama of her mother going through menopause, although, truth be told, she hadn’t been present for most of it. She’d been too busy building her career and falling in love with Charlotte.

  Ash didn’t immediately have a reply to this and a short silence fell between them. Adrian had left the table earlier to have a chat with the DJ and Lizzie had taken the opportunity to sit with her parents for a bit. Ash had no idea where Karen was. But it was just her and Gloria at the table.

  “Now that we’re throwing it all out in the open.” Gloria leaned forwards a few inches. “Do you mind me asking about your divorce? I sense some bitterness around the subject. I take it the whole thing wasn’t very amicable?”

  Ash almost did a double take. She hadn’t expected Gloria to ask her that question. “Not very, no.” She locked eyes with Gloria for an instant, then averted her gaze. She didn’t know why her divorce still invoked such shame in her. Maybe because she believed it was all her fault.

  “What happened?”

  Ash heaved a big sigh. “I guess… we grew apart. We fell out of love and there wasn’t enough to replace it. Although, if you were to ask Charlotte, she would tell you that I was never there when she needed me because I preferred spending time at work to spending time with my wife. Which was true to a certain extent, especially near the end.” Ash reached for her wineglass. She needed a sip. “If I had to sum it up, I’d say it just didn’t work out. We weren’t the amazing match we thought we were.”

  “These things are never easy to sum up in a few words. I bet it’s much more complicated than that.” Gloria’s voice was so soft and soothing now, it made Ash want to have another look at her face.

  The background music that had been playing throughout dinner was interrupted by a screeching microphone.

  “Oh Christ, don’t tell me Ade is going to do a speech,” Ash said. “I swear to God, nobody ever tells me anything in this family.” Because you’re unavailable, Ash. She heard Charlotte’s voice in her head. Because you don’t want to know.

  But Adrian just passed the microphone to his mother, who thanked everyone for coming, and urged them onto the dance floor.

  Ash pushed her chair a little closer to the table so she didn’t impede any of the older guests who wanted to dance. In doing so, she suddenly found herself sitting very close to Gloria.

  “You still owe me some tips,” Gloria shouted into her ear. “For things to do in London.”

  “Give me your number,” Ash shouted back. “I’ll text you all you need to know.”

  Chapter Four

  Gloria watched Ash dance with her brother. They were making silly moves and, as siblings tend to do, each one was trying to be sillier than the other. She had witnessed it in her own girls. She had experienced it with her own sister and brother. Always wanting to outsmart the other. It was a thing of the ages and no one who had a brother or sister could escape it.

  “It’s good to see them like that,” Gloria said to Alan, who was sitting silently beside her, nursing a pint. She wasn’t one for long silences. Alan Cooper was the silent type, but Gloria had always known a way in with him: ask him about his offspring. “They’re having fun.”

  Alan nodded. “I worry about Ash so much.” He slurred his words a little. It was getting near that time when most people in the room would be getting quite merry. Gloria had got used to it. It didn’t bother her anymore. And if it did, she left. “I wonder if she will ever land on her feet.”

  “What does that mean, though, Alan?” Gloria asked. “Landing on your feet?” Look at me, Gloria thought. Surely, her friends would consider her to have landed on her feet, even though it had taken her years to find some sort of balance after George died. “You don’t necessarily need to be with someone to be happy. Some people prefer to be alone.”

  “Well, yes, I accept that.” Alan peered into his pint. “But having to go through a divorce. I just wish she hadn’t experienced that. It’s a vile business.” He expelled some air. “Charlotte is such a lovely girl. I just don’t see why they couldn’t make it work.”

  “We can’t all be as lucky as you and Mary,” Gloria quipped.

  “I thought Mary and I had set a good example.” He sipped from his pint again. Gloria was beginning to see where Ash got her wallowing-when-drunk streak from. “Clearly, we didn’t do a good enough job.”

  “Cheer up, Alan. Look at her.” Gloria waved a hand at the dance floor. “She’s doing fine. We could spend all our time striving to spare our children from heartache, but the truth is we can do no such thing. No one is spared, Alan.”

  “But she’s in her forties now.” He let his gaze rest on his children. Ash and Adrian were still at it on the dance floor. They tried to involve more people, but everyone seemed reluctant to join them.

  “So? I’m in my fifties and my mother still hasn’t given up hope.” She bumped her elbow into Alan’s arm.

  At least she got a chuckle out of Alan. “Never give up hope.”

  Gloria cast her gaze back at the dance floor. Ash was wearing skinny jeans and a really tight floral shirt. While she excelled in goofy dance moves, her brother had much more natural rhythm. However, Ash didn’t seem to care one bit about that. She danced as if no one was watching. Until she spotted that Gloria was looking at her. She waved, then mouthed, “Come here.” Gloria couldn’t hear, but the beckoning gesture Ash made with her hands was unmistakable.

  “Go dance, Gloria,” Alan said. “Go have fun.”

  “I think I just might.” Gloria’s legs were getting stiff from all the sitting down she’d been doing all night. She shuffled onto the dance floor and joined Ash and Adrian.

  “Christ,” Adrian said, when the song ended. “I’m the father of two children. I can’t be doing this anymore. I give up, Ash. You win.” He sank down in a chair.

  “Just you and me now, Gloria,” Ash said.

  Gloria couldn’t fault the DJ, one of Ash’s cousins, for trying a different strategy to fill the floor. Yet, she didn’t immediately know what to do when she recognised the intro of Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight”.

  “What do you say?” Ash held her arms wide. “Will you dance with me?”

  “It would be my pleasure.” Gloria stepped closer. “I’ll lead, though.”

  “Will you now?” Ash put her hands on Gloria’s shoulders. She was a little shorter than Gloria, but not that much. Gloria rested her hands on Ash’s hips. They started to gently sway to the lazy beat of the song.

  Gloria was having none of that millennial slow-dancing. If she was going to lead, she was going to do it properly. “Just follow my lead,” she whispered in Ash’s ear.

  “Yes, boss.” Ash shot her a grin. “Take it away.”

  Ash was a little unsteady on her feet, but she did a good enough of job of following Gloria, who was used to manoeuvring much larger bodies in her day job, although not around a dance floor.

  When she looked around, Gloria noticed, for the first time, that the DJ’s strategy had worke
d. They weren’t the only twosome on the dance floor. They were the only two women dancing together, though.

  “I know I’m a really shit dancer,” Ash shouted in Gloria’s ear. “I take after my dad in many respects.”

  “You’re doing just fine.” Gloria held Ash a tad closer. She could feel her hip bones jutting into her flesh. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling.

  “I hope you’re not going back to London tonight.”

  “God no. I’m staying with Mum and Dad,” Ash said. “I might even stay for the weekend. Not much waiting for me back home.”

  “I’m sure you have a busy social life.” Their faces were so close together, Gloria couldn’t actually make out any of Ash’s expressions. “Or at least a date to go on.”

  “I’m so done with dating,” Ash said. “Did you… ever date again?”

  The question threw Gloria. She took her time to reply. “I tried, but it never really worked out.”

  “How come?” Ash pressed herself into Gloria’s embrace.

  “I don’t know. I guess…” Gloria slowed their pace. “No one ever really lived up to my expectations again. Maybe I was expecting a second George and of course there was only ever one of him, so I made it impossible.” Gloria had thought about this a lot and this was the only possible conclusion she could draw. She had gone out with a few decent men. One of them, his name was Richard, had been very dashing—much more handsome than George, if you could look at that sort of thing objectively—but she’d never felt that spark again. She’d never been interested enough to allow anyone new into her life in that way.

  “I figured it must have been down to you,” Ash said. “A woman like you… surely a line of men would be queuing up all the way around your house.” Gloria couldn’t see, but she could hear the smile in Ash’s voice. A bead of sweat trickled down her spine. Gloria wasn’t much of a blusher, but if she were, her cheeks would have coloured at Ash’s comment.

  “The same could be said of you.” She quickly turned the tables on Ash. As much as Gloria loved a chat, she didn’t like to get too personal. “All the lesbians in the land must be throwing themselves at you.” She felt Ash’s body convulse against her hands as she burst into a giggle.